Honestly, I’m “Shoulding” on Myself

My fourth honest reflection this month is about “shoulding” on myself.

The first time I heard that expression, I cracked up. I immediately thought, *Well, that is what I have been doing for most of my life.*

“Shoulding” is the nicer way of saying: **Stop shitting on yourself.**

It is funny—but it is also painfully accurate.

I try to catch myself when the “should” talk begins, but it can be surprisingly difficult because the word sounds so responsible.

I should exercise more.

I should eat healthier.

I should be further along in my business.

I should make more money.

I should have finished that project by now.

I should be more patient.

I should be better at this.

At first, these statements may sound motivating. But when I listen more closely, I often hear something else beneath them:

*I am doing something wrong.*

*I am behind.*

*I am not disciplined enough.*

*I am not good enough.*

That is when “shoulding” becomes a problem.

Count Your “Shoulds”

Try this for one day:

Count how many times you tell yourself that you should do something.

Then count how many times someone else tells you what you should do.

You might be surprised.

What is even more interesting is how quickly we begin to believe that every “should” must be true.

Someone says, “You should do this,” and before we have even decided whether their advice fits us, our nervous system reacts. We may feel guilty, defensive, inadequate, or pressured to explain ourselves.

I would guess that at least half the time someone tells us what we should do, we don’t actually want to do it.

Sometimes the advice may be useful. Sometimes the person may even be right. But being told what we should do can still leave us feeling as though we have failed some test we didn’t know we were taking.

Our response is often an excuse or a defense:

“I know I should go to the gym, but I’m too tired.”

“I know I should eat better, but I’ve been stressed.”

“I know I should be further along, but so much has happened.”

Notice how often a “should” is followed by a “but.”

The “should” delivers the judgment, and the “but” rushes in to defend us.

No wonder the whole conversation feels exhausting.

## Is It True—or Is It Someone Else’s Truth?

When someone tells us what we should do, we can pause and ask:

That may be right for you, but is it right for me?

This does not mean we refuse all advice or ignore people who care about us. Sometimes another person can see something that we cannot yet see for ourselves.

The question is whether we automatically accept their opinion as our truth.

Other people’s “shoulds” often come from their experiences, fears, preferences, values, and ideas about success. They may be well-intentioned, but that does not mean their answer belongs to us.

“You should get a regular job.”

“You should spend more time with people.”

“You should slow down.”

“You should push harder.”

“You should do what everyone else is doing.”

Each piece of advice may be right for someone.

But is it right for you?

Authenticity requires us to examine the advice before we absorb it. We can listen, consider it honestly, and then decide whether it fits the life we are actually trying to create.

We do not have to argue, defend ourselves, or convince the other person.

Sometimes the most truthful response is simply:

“That may be right for you, but it isn’t right for me.”

The Most Painful “Should”

Some of the heaviest “shoulds” are not about going to the gym or eating healthier.

They are about where we believe we should be in life.

I should be more successful by now.

I should have more money saved.

I should own a better home.

I should have a happier relationship.

I should have written another book.

I should have a larger audience.

I should have everything figured out.

But who decided where we were supposed to be by now?

Very often, we are measuring our lives against someone else’s timeline, opportunities, abilities, resources, or public image.

There will always be someone who appears to be more successful.

Someone will have better technical skills, make more money, live in a more impressive home, or appear to be in better physical shape.

Someone will have more followers, sell more books, build a larger business, or seem to have perfect relationships.

And there will always be people who appear to have everything under control.

Appearances can be misleading, but even when their success is genuine, it does not mean we are failing.

Their life is not the ruler we are required to use to measure our own.

When we spend our time “shoulding” on ourselves because we have not reached someone else’s version of success, we miss the opportunity to experience our own lives.

We overlook how far we have come.

We dismiss what we have survived.

We minimize the progress that may not be visible to anyone else.

And we fail to define what success honestly means to us.

From “I Should” to “I Get To”

One way I interrupt the pattern is by replacing “I should” with “I get to.”

“I should go for a walk” becomes “I get to move my body today.”

“I should work on my business” becomes “I get to build something that matters to me.”

“I should call my family” becomes “I get to connect with someone I love.”

That simple change can shift an obligation into an opportunity.

But I also need to be honest: “get to” does not fit every situation. We should not use positive language to pretend that every responsibility is joyful.

Sometimes a more truthful replacement might be:

I choose to.

“I choose to exercise because I want to remain strong.”

“I choose to finish this task because it supports the business I am building.”

“I choose to have this difficult conversation because honesty matters to me.”

Other times, the honest answer may be:

I don’t choose this.

Perhaps it is something we no longer want, something that belongs to another person, or something that does not support our priorities.

The purpose is not to replace one automatic phrase with another. The purpose is to bring choice and truth back into the conversation.

Desire Is Different From Judgment

There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve.

I can want to become stronger, earn more money, grow my business, or become better at implementing my ideas.

The difference is how I speak to myself about those desires.

“I want to exercise today because I feel better when I move” feels different from “I should exercise because I have gained weight and lack discipline.”

“I want to grow my business” feels different from “I should be making more money by now.”

“I want to finish this project” feels different from “I should have completed this weeks ago.”

One comes from intention.

The other comes from judgment.

One invites us forward.

The other makes us feel inadequate before we have even begun.

We may take the same action, but the energy behind it is completely different.

What Is the Next Honest Step?

The Untangled Method helps me slow down the “shoulding” long enough to hear what is true.

I can set an intention and ask what I genuinely want.

I can quiet the outside voices through meditation.

I can breathe before automatically defending myself or agreeing with someone else.

I can let go of a standard that was never mine.

I can accept where I am without pretending I do not want to grow.

I can love myself while still making changes.

I can have the courage to disappoint someone when their expectations conflict with my truth.

I can reconnect with my purpose and choose an action that supports it.

And then I can let go of the demand that my life unfold on a particular timeline.

That does not mean I stop setting goals or holding myself accountable.

It means accountability does not have to sound like abuse.

I can tell myself the truth without tearing myself apart.

Creating My Own Version of Success

This month, I have looked honestly at people-pleasing, comparing my current body to the woman I was 25 years ago, and collecting knowledge without consistently implementing it.

Now I can see how “shoulding” runs through all three.

I should make everyone happy.

I should still look and perform the way I did when I was younger.

I should already know how to implement everything perfectly.

No wonder those patterns create so much pressure.

Authenticity asks a different set of questions:

What do I truly want?

What matters to me now?

What standard am I using?

Does this expectation belong to me?

What choice supports the person I am becoming?

I am still going to catch myself “shoulding.” I have practiced it for far too long to believe it will disappear overnight.

But now I notice it sooner.

I can laugh at the expression, pause, and question the story underneath it.

Sometimes the “should” will reveal something I genuinely want to change.

Sometimes it will reveal an expectation I am ready to release.

Either way, I do not have to use shame as my motivation.

“Shoulding” on ourselves simply stinks.

This week, try counting your “shoulds.”

When you hear one, pause and ask:

**Is this something I truly want or choose—or am I measuring myself against someone else’s expectations?**

Then replace judgment with one honest sentence:

**I get to…**

**I choose to…**

**I want to…**

Or perhaps:

**That may be right for someone else, but it is not right for me.**

Your life is not supposed to look exactly like anyone else’s.

You get to define—and live—your own version of success.