Honestly, Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself

The first time I heard the phrase "shoulding on yourself," I cracked up. I thought, well, that's what I've been doing most of my life! (Say it out loud a few times. Go ahead, I'll wait.)

These days, I try hard to catch myself when the "should talk" starts.

Try this:

Count how many times a day you say you should do something. Then count how many times someone else tells you that you should do something. It's a crazy realization. I actually catch myself starting to believe the should is true... and it isn't.

I'd guess that half the time someone tells you that you should do something, you don't even want to. And when we say we should do something, it usually implies we're doing something wrong, or we're not good enough. So our answer turns into an excuse or a defense.

For example: "I should go to the gym..." "I should eat healthier..." Every one of those statements is usually followed by a but, and then comes the excuse, the defensive comment, or the judgment. Even if the other person is right, it just makes me feel bad. (For the record, nobody in history has ever been shoulded into loving kale.)

What if we swapped "should" for "get to"?

When we're talking to ourselves, try changing "I should" to "I get to." I get to go to the gym. I get to eat healthier. Suddenly it's an opportunity instead of a scolding.

And when someone else tells you that you should do something, try asking: "That may be right for you, but is it right for me?"

The comparison trap

Another reason shoulding gets messy is when we tell ourselves, "I should be at this point in my life by now"... and we aren't. That's measuring ourselves against someone else's standards and someone else's life.

There will always be someone with better skills, more money, a better body, better relationships, or who just seems to have it all together (trust me, they still have a junk drawer). If we keep shoulding on ourselves by comparing to their standards, we miss the chance to have our own experience and create our own version of success.

Bottom line: shoulding on yourself simply stinks. So this week, stop it. Er, I mean... you get to stop it.

Let me know how that exercise worked for you!!