The Truth I Wasn’t Saying
Last month, I wrote about resilience and grit. In the process, I had to face a few realities about my own life.
That reflection led me naturally into October’s theme: **Authenticity and Truth.**
This month, I am asking myself a difficult question:
Where am I not being completely honest with myself?
One of the first questions I asked was, “Why did I stop doing the morning and daily routines that were so important to me?”
Those routines—meditation, exercise, writing, learning, and quiet time—help me feel grounded. I know they work. Yet, little by little, I stopped protecting them.
Why?
I often say that I am the perfect case study for the Untangled Program. I don’t teach this work because I have mastered every part of my life. I teach it because I use it in my own life. When I become tangled again, the program helps me slow down, recognize what is happening, and take the next honest step.
During my self-reflection, I identified four areas where I needed to get real with myself:
1. I am still a people-pleaser. I have gotten better, but it continues to creep in.
2. With fitness, I compare myself to the woman I was 25 years ago.
3. I have not been as consistent with implementation as I want to be.
4. I often live in the land of “should”—which means I regularly “should” all over myself.
I am beginning with people-pleasing because it often triggers the other three.
The Nervous-System Dance
When someone makes a request, expresses a concern, or offers an opinion—especially someone in my intimate circle—I listen.
Then my nervous system does this strange little dance.
My response has to pass through what feels like a long line of filters:
Will they be upset with me?
Will they think I am selfish?
Am I disappointing them?
Would it be easier to simply agree?
What am I supposed to say?
By the time all those filters have done their work, I may not say what I truly need or want. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all.
I have always described this as needing time to process. That is partly true. But if I am being completely honest, sometimes I am also trying to find the answer that will make the other person most comfortable.
That is people-pleasing.
When I Stopped Telling the Truth
My husband thought I should walk with a group of women more regularly. He asked whether something was wrong and why I didn’t want to walk with them every day.
Nothing was wrong.
I simply enjoyed walking alone. Sometimes I wanted a faster fitness walk that raised my heart rate. Sometimes I meditated while I walked. Sometimes the group’s walking time didn’t work with the schedule I wanted for writing and my business.
Those were all honest answers.
But my husband didn’t always understand them, and I became uncomfortable with his questions. Over the course of a year, I gradually began doing what I thought would make him feel better.
I walked when other people wanted to walk. I woke up earlier to fit everything in. I rearranged my routine and kept trying different solutions.
I told myself I was being flexible.
The truth was that I was abandoning my own needs without clearly explaining them.
My business work began to suffer. I meditated less. My workouts no longer matched my fitness goals. I gained a few pounds, became frustrated with myself, and struggled to complete the things that mattered to me.
It snowballed in the wrong direction.
Here is the most important part: I had never clearly told my husband the whole truth.
I expected him to understand needs I had not confidently expressed.
When I finally explained what had happened, he was surprised and didn’t immediately understand. His reaction activated that old, familiar pattern in my nervous system. I felt myself wanting to freeze, back down, or change my answer.
Instead, I used my own program.
I took a breath.
I slowed down my reaction.
And rather than standing there like a deer in the headlights, I stood my ground.
An Honest Answer Is Not a Rejection
I told the women I walk with that I would not be joining them every day. I explained that I have different goals for some of my walks. Sometimes I need to raise my heart rate. Sometimes I want to meditate. Lately, I have enjoyed writing earlier, walking later, and choosing my own routine.
It felt uncomfortable at first.
Then something interesting happened.
Everyone adjusted.
The women began recognizing that they also had different goals, preferences, and schedules. My honesty gave them permission to be more honest too.
Nothing terrible happened. No friendship ended. No one’s life was ruined because I chose to walk alone on some mornings.
In fact, it created a healthier situation for everyone.
Standing up for myself in that one area also made it easier to protect the rest of my schedule. I became clearer about when I work, when I exercise, when I meditate, and when I am available to other people.
The people around me now know that when I say yes, I mean yes.
That creates trust.
People-Pleasing Is Not the Same as Kindness
This was the truth I needed to admit:
My people-pleasing was not helping anyone.
I thought I was keeping the peace, but I was quietly becoming frustrated. I thought I was being thoughtful, but I was not giving other people an opportunity to know the real me. I thought I was protecting relationships, but I was participating in them without being completely honest.
Kindness and people-pleasing are not the same thing.
Kindness comes from love and choice.
People-pleasing often comes from fear—the fear of disappointing someone, creating tension, being misunderstood, or no longer being liked.
Authenticity asks us to tolerate some discomfort.
It asks us to tell the truth before frustration becomes resentment. It asks us to let other people have their reactions without immediately changing ourselves to make those reactions go away.
Being authentic does not mean becoming harsh, selfish, or unwilling to compromise. It means including ourselves in the conversation.
When we live more honestly, something else becomes possible: the people around us are given permission to live in their truth too.
The Next Honest Step
I am still a people-pleaser.
That is the honest answer.
I am also becoming someone who recognizes the pattern sooner, pauses before responding, and asks herself:
What is true for me?
I may need a few breaths before I answer. I may need time to sort through all those filters. But I no longer want to give an automatic yes when my truthful answer is no—or not today—or I need something different.
That is not selfishness.
That is authenticity.
And authenticity creates healthier relationships because the people we love no longer have to guess who we really are or what we truly need.
This week, ask yourself:
**Where am I saying yes because it is true—and where am I saying yes because I am afraid of someone’s reaction?**
I would love to hear your story. Where has people-pleasing shown up in your life, and what truth are you finally ready to say out loud?
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